Saturday, 15 April 2017

Silent Grief.

A little over 2 years ago, My heart broke and nobody truly knew how that felt. 
My beautiful friend, My Max, was no longer in this world. 

The person i'd come to know, was no longer there. I wouldn't see him anymore. No messages from him would appear on my phone. No goodbyes would ever be said. 

For a long time, i didn't know how to feel. There was a void... A slight uncertainty that at any moment, more precious people would be taken from my life. 

For a long time, i pushed it away. Feeling like he might reappear and people had been wrong. That way, i wouldn't have to process what had happened. 

For me, there was no goodbye, no funeral, no comforting his loved ones, no reaching out to friends in a time of need. Circumstances at that time were very very cruel to me, and although i knew i had loved ones around me, i felt very alone in the world. 

Looking back, i would've handled it differently, but that's the thing about time. Things seem so much clearer when you look back on them. 

They still haven't found my dear friend, and at this stage, probably never will. That fact alone used to bring me to tears. But nowadays, that fact represents trust for me. Trust in Jehovah and true belief that he is in his memory... and that is enough. 

I've come to learn that grief is as individual as a fingerprint.

Take the time you need. 

Think what you need to or don't think at all.

Use the memories, the precious moments you'll only know about, and keep them close to your heart. Allow them to just be, to be a part of you and motivate you to keep on making more moments in your life that you will look back on. 

I still feel that void, but I'm grateful for the precious time i had with my friend. 

Monday, 9 January 2017

When small things become a big deal...

Sometimes, maybe i should say often, small things can become a big deal. 

I think there are many reasons behind this, procrastination being a crucial point to pick up on, but putting that aside, i think it is a result of having an illness. 

If you have a long term illness or are dealing with chronic pain, 
we can all agree that there is a certain amount of baggage that can come with that. Feelings of extreme exhaustion, never ending fatigue, anxiety about the future, social anxiety, stress, brain fog... I feel like that list could go on for another paragraph. 

But with this baggage, suddenly the very small, everyday things become giant steps that we have to climb up. Take, for example, the simple task of painting a wall. Ok, maybe that's not the simplest of tasks, but something attainable for the everyday person. They set aside a day, buy the paint, move the furniture away from the wall, cover it and have a go at painting the wall (hopefully having done some sort of research beforehand). 

Put that in the context of someone with a chronic condition. Maybe the thought of deciding on a paint is too much because there are too many options, maybe they don't physically know how they could stand all day, maybe going to the store to buy the paint will be enough to make them spend the rest of the day in bed. Maybe it all feels too much. 

I'm just using that as an example that's attainable for someone who has never had to process the limitations of someone with a chronic condition. 

It could be something as simple as sending an email. My fellow spoonies, will get and fully understand the phrase 'Brain fog'. But recently i had a case of brain fog and i thought i'd put off sending this email as i wanted to think it through and phrase it right. Well, days turned into weeks as brain fog then turned into anxiety as i still hadn't sent the email. 
Small thing + Consequences of chronic conditions = Big deal!

I wanted to let you know, if you've ever felt this way, I get you! So many of us are going through the same emotions and trying to battle through everyday tasks. 
Recently i've taken to writing a list of "things i really hate but i have to do"...trying to get a couple of these done in a week or month, whatever you can do, helps to contribute to a feeling of accomplishment. 

You got this! Or if you don't.... that's ok, one step at a time.

Love to all the spoonie community, Beth xxx